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True stories

Accident and emergency departments are often called upon to remove items that have become inexplicably lodged in people's back passages.

The normal reaction is to clench the buttocks, perhaps the urge to pass wind, or perhaps you will look at your household implements with wanton lust. Implements such as plumbing pipe, cans of deodorant and, of course, your pet hamster have all been found where the sun doesn't shine.

Here are some of the items removed and excuses rendered:-

Screwdriver "I was just getting into the shower when I noticed the light-bulb had blown. I fell off the ladder trying to reach it and landed in my tool kit."

Oil of Ulay Bottle

"My wife keeps it on the side of the bath. I slipped and landed on the top of the bottle."

Chair leg "I've driven 25 miles to avoid meeting anyone I know in the local hospital. There's not much point in making an excuse."

Leg of a camera tripod. "I popped into my dark room, just wearing a dressing gown. I tripped in the dark and landed on the tripod."

The entire contents of a tool box This chap was unable to make any excuses. He died of intestinal obstruction. The objects were found during an autopsy.

Wax candles with a condom on No excuse tendered.

The remains of two gerbils "They were both in the cage in my bedroom. They must have escaped and climbed under the duvet."

The polythene waste trap from the U-bend of a sink "I'd fixed the leak in the sink and sat back, unaware of what was on the floor behind me. It was the middle of the night, so I wasn't dressed."

Salami "I'd come down to the kitchen for a midnight snack, but I hadn't bothered to turn the light on. Just as I got everything out of the fridge, I tripped and landed on the salami."

Corn on the cob "We were getting a bit tipsy at this barbecue. I thought I'd lean against the table and ended up sitting on the corn. Oh yeah, we'd just been skinny-dipping in the pool."